This summer has been an interesting one...one where God has reached out to me. God has been relentless in his pursuit of me, and I have not felt more loved because of it.
I'm about to enter my senior year of college, and I have been struggling through the memories of freshman year. I've said this before, and it is one of my biggest weaknesses--I hold grudges. Well, there have been a few grudges that I have been holding since freshman year. They were grudges and hurts so deep in my heart that I just pushed them aside to ignore. I let myself believe that I had ridden myself of them, when in reality, I had not gotten rid of them at all. Over the past 10-12 weeks, God has reached out to me. I have ignored several of his commands, but finally, last week, I gave in. As I was helping some friends move in, I talked to someone who I haven't been on good terms with since freshman year. This was an extremely good conversation for me to have, for it took a huge burden off of my heart. I know that this girl and I will never be friends, but to know that we can pass each other by or sit at the same table for a meal and not feel tension and weirdness between us is nice.
That same night, I was talking to two of my very good friends about my grudges. They helped me realize that the grudges, ignoring hurtful situations, and not allowing God into these situations won't help me. Yes, this is all stuff that I know, but it's nice to have reminders every once in awhile. This conversation was a healing conversation for me. I read them a note I wrote to my brother not too long ago, that I have yet to give to him out of fear of continued rejection. As I read this note, I was overwhelmed with emotions. And I realized that while I'm still hurt by the things that my brother has said and done to me, I no longer hold as much anger towards him as I have. The note was healing to me, and whether I ever give it to him or not, I have spoken, or written, my peace.
At this current moment, there is only one more person that I need to talk with God about. I might write him a note, and I probably will never give it to him, for it will be for my peace of mind only.
Sometimes, the amount of love that God bestows upon me is just overwhelming. I don't deserve anything that he has to offer me, and His love for me is unrelenting. His love for me makes me feel so precious & wonderful. I love my God.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Words
Words are strong. You can either build a person up or tear them down with a simple sentence. People thrive on being told how good they are. I will not stereotype the typical woman because it doesn't seem like a very good idea to me. For me, I need the affirmation to know that I am doing a good job in whatever it is that I am doing. I hate being told that I am not good enough. Being told I am not good enough may not come in the words "you are not good enough," for the feeling can come in a variety of ways.
Since my senior year of high school, I have had 4 people tear me down with their words & actions towards me. These people have severely impacted my world, my self-esteem & my self-worth. While I should not have allowed those four people the satisfaction of destroying me, I did, and I am still recovering from it. Constantly, I need to remind myself that I am God's daughter--a princess, daughter of the King. So why should I let these people tear me down? I shouldn't because it is Satan that is working through them. I cannot give Satan the victory in letting myself believe the atrocious lies that I have let these 4 people make me believe.
When I am enduring the pain cast upon me by those 4 people or by my own personal views of myself, I read Psalm 139. This is one of the best chapters in the Bible, and it is very encouraging every time I read it.
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
You see, people can build up & tear down with simple words, but it is not their place--not MY place to speak mean words to or about anyone. I, like everyone else, am guilty of speaking mean words about the people who have hurt me & just people in general. But it is not my place, for God created them. When I am ridiculing someone, I need to remember that they were fearfully & wonderfully made. God made them in His image, so by tearing that person, I am tearing down God.
Words are powerful. So remember the next time you want to tear someone down that not only are you hurting them, but you are hurting God as well.
Since my senior year of high school, I have had 4 people tear me down with their words & actions towards me. These people have severely impacted my world, my self-esteem & my self-worth. While I should not have allowed those four people the satisfaction of destroying me, I did, and I am still recovering from it. Constantly, I need to remind myself that I am God's daughter--a princess, daughter of the King. So why should I let these people tear me down? I shouldn't because it is Satan that is working through them. I cannot give Satan the victory in letting myself believe the atrocious lies that I have let these 4 people make me believe.
When I am enduring the pain cast upon me by those 4 people or by my own personal views of myself, I read Psalm 139. This is one of the best chapters in the Bible, and it is very encouraging every time I read it.
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
You see, people can build up & tear down with simple words, but it is not their place--not MY place to speak mean words to or about anyone. I, like everyone else, am guilty of speaking mean words about the people who have hurt me & just people in general. But it is not my place, for God created them. When I am ridiculing someone, I need to remember that they were fearfully & wonderfully made. God made them in His image, so by tearing that person, I am tearing down God.
Words are powerful. So remember the next time you want to tear someone down that not only are you hurting them, but you are hurting God as well.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Captivating
In high school, I read the book Captivating. Now, 4 years later, I'm reading it again for the first time since junior year of high school. Reading it again has brought some things to light.
A few weeks ago I was sitting in the office of one the student life staff members talking to him about some things. One of the things that we were talking about is why I feel that people won't like me, so I hide who I really am from other people. For as far back as I could remember, I tell people that I'm shy. The truth is is that I just have a hard time opening up because deep down, I'm TERRIFIED that they're not going to like me. As I was reading Captivating, I realized why I'm so scared of people not liking me. It's simple--my own family doesn't like me. My parents like me--they don't have anything bad to say about me, at least, not that I know of. However, my siblings don't like me, and they've made that pretty clear to me since high school. Over the past 4 years, my little brother & younger step-sister have changed their ways when it comes to me. But little do they realize, I still have deep scars from the words that they cut me with back in high school. To this day, my older brother still doesn't talk to me for the most part. He dislikes me for so many reasons, one of them being my personality in general. If my own family doesn't like me & doesn't want to be around me, then why would anyone else?
Right now, I am 21 years old, and I'm trying to change the way I see the world and the way that the world sees me. Contrary to what my brother says, I don't have to have the world figured out. It shouldn't matter what political party I am, what I believe in religiously, or where I go to school. What does matter is that it is my life, I'm trying my best follow God, and I'm still trying to figure it out my way.
So, here's some old school T-Swift, which I think describes me right now perfectly.
"Place in This World":
I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok
Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly
A few weeks ago I was sitting in the office of one the student life staff members talking to him about some things. One of the things that we were talking about is why I feel that people won't like me, so I hide who I really am from other people. For as far back as I could remember, I tell people that I'm shy. The truth is is that I just have a hard time opening up because deep down, I'm TERRIFIED that they're not going to like me. As I was reading Captivating, I realized why I'm so scared of people not liking me. It's simple--my own family doesn't like me. My parents like me--they don't have anything bad to say about me, at least, not that I know of. However, my siblings don't like me, and they've made that pretty clear to me since high school. Over the past 4 years, my little brother & younger step-sister have changed their ways when it comes to me. But little do they realize, I still have deep scars from the words that they cut me with back in high school. To this day, my older brother still doesn't talk to me for the most part. He dislikes me for so many reasons, one of them being my personality in general. If my own family doesn't like me & doesn't want to be around me, then why would anyone else?
Right now, I am 21 years old, and I'm trying to change the way I see the world and the way that the world sees me. Contrary to what my brother says, I don't have to have the world figured out. It shouldn't matter what political party I am, what I believe in religiously, or where I go to school. What does matter is that it is my life, I'm trying my best follow God, and I'm still trying to figure it out my way.
So, here's some old school T-Swift, which I think describes me right now perfectly.
"Place in This World":
I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok
Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The Mask
Okay, I will admit it now: I am an avid fan of the Bachelor/Bachelorette. I love the show, no matter how stupid it may or may not seem. Right now the Bachelorette is on. Well, not at this exact moment, but it just started 2 weeks ago. One of the men vying for Ashley's heart is named Jeff and this is how he's been introduced to her, the other men, & all of the viewers.
Now, everyone is FLIPPING out about him and how weird he is. And I will admit that at first, I agreed that it was weird. On the first night, he told her that he wanted her to get to know him and his personality before he revealed his face. All of the guys assume that because of this outward mask that he has something to hide. Does he? Probably.
But this is where my thoughts went with it as I was reading comments on how much a freak this guy is. We all wear masks. Why is he considered weird for wearing one when we all do? He's just being honest about it because you can SEE it.
I hate masks, but I find myself putting up fronts ALL the time, so that people won't see the real me or what I'm going through. And this has hurt me in the long run. The majority of the people around me do not know the real Arynn, except for a select few. I have perfected the art of wearing a mask, and now that I am trying to get rid of it, it haunts me. I hide behind these masks because I am scared that people will not like me. Heck, my own brother doesn't like me, so what's going to stop this stranger from disliking me. My mask will, duh. Sadly, that's my train of thought. As I take the mask off, I long to hear that people like me...the real me, the Arynn Behind the Mask. I long for validation that I am worth it, that I am beautiful, that I am funny, that I am nice, that I am selfless, that I am friendly, and that I am worth hanging out with.
Masks suck. Take your's off. You won't regret it. I don't.
Now, everyone is FLIPPING out about him and how weird he is. And I will admit that at first, I agreed that it was weird. On the first night, he told her that he wanted her to get to know him and his personality before he revealed his face. All of the guys assume that because of this outward mask that he has something to hide. Does he? Probably.
But this is where my thoughts went with it as I was reading comments on how much a freak this guy is. We all wear masks. Why is he considered weird for wearing one when we all do? He's just being honest about it because you can SEE it.
I hate masks, but I find myself putting up fronts ALL the time, so that people won't see the real me or what I'm going through. And this has hurt me in the long run. The majority of the people around me do not know the real Arynn, except for a select few. I have perfected the art of wearing a mask, and now that I am trying to get rid of it, it haunts me. I hide behind these masks because I am scared that people will not like me. Heck, my own brother doesn't like me, so what's going to stop this stranger from disliking me. My mask will, duh. Sadly, that's my train of thought. As I take the mask off, I long to hear that people like me...the real me, the Arynn Behind the Mask. I long for validation that I am worth it, that I am beautiful, that I am funny, that I am nice, that I am selfless, that I am friendly, and that I am worth hanging out with.
Masks suck. Take your's off. You won't regret it. I don't.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Late Night Thoughts
Over the past few weeks, I have had several things on my mind:
1. Kayla. We found her! She has a long road ahead of her, but my parents are making sure that she gets everything she needs to succeed. Unfortunately, she did not get to walk in her graduation last weekend. She will still get a diploma, but she missed out on all the fun parts of finishing high school. I have not seen her yet, since I have not been home since she was found. My birthday is this weekend, so I will see her then. I have many many many mixed emotions when it comes to her. I feel sorry for her because I know that in order for her to run away that she must have been in a really vulnerable position with a lot going on internally. However, I am also angry with her because through her hurt she hurt our entire family. And not just her family--MY family. Kayla is my step-sister, but I think of her as a sister more often than not. And that is how everyone else from my side sees her...they have adopted her into our family, as sister, as daughter, as niece, as cousin, as granddaughter. Her running away really hurt my whole family. I have never seen my dad so angry. I just want to hit her over the head & yell at her but hug her all at the same time.
2. School. I'm officially a senior...I have earned 93 credits. I have 39 credits left before I can graduate. How awesome is that?! I'm doing methods & practicums in the fall, which scares me. My entire college career up to this point has been to learn how to teach & be a good, effective teacher. This will be my first time to actually teach, and I'm scared. What if I'm not good at it? I know it's silly to be scared that I won't be a good teacher, but becoming a teacher has been my childhood dream. And I'm scared I'll fail at it.
3. Friends. It's summertime. I hate summer. I mean, I love the break from school, don't get me wrong; however, summer break means "GOODBYE FRIENDS!" This year was especially tough. Over the past school year, Brittany & I have become EXTREMELY good friends with Kaylee & Calvin. And they happened to have graduated on Saturday, so I am extremely sad about this. In June, they're getting married & moving to south Texas. I cannot believe how much I am going to miss them. Hugging both of them goodbye for the last time led me to tears. I know I'm going to their wedding, but seeing them there won't be the same as hanging out with them consistently. I also miss my best friend IMMENSELY. My boss told me yesterday that we're sister soulmates & how we have a once in a lifetime friendship & it's not the type of friendship that everyone is blessed with. Cindy just made me realize how THANKFUL I should be for Brittany. Brittany knows just about everything there is to know, can read me like a book, thinks I'm hilarious, loves me when I'm unlovable in my mind, is always there for me, is honest to me, and loves me despite all of that. I've had my doubts in the past, but I know our friendship will last forever. I just miss her so much right now...screw summer & screw Oregon. Screw summer & Oregon because that's who takes her every freaking summer for at least 3 months. :(
Well, I got a lot off my mind, so ciao!
Kaylee, Brittany, & Me
Best Friends
Kelsey, Brittany, & Me
1. Kayla. We found her! She has a long road ahead of her, but my parents are making sure that she gets everything she needs to succeed. Unfortunately, she did not get to walk in her graduation last weekend. She will still get a diploma, but she missed out on all the fun parts of finishing high school. I have not seen her yet, since I have not been home since she was found. My birthday is this weekend, so I will see her then. I have many many many mixed emotions when it comes to her. I feel sorry for her because I know that in order for her to run away that she must have been in a really vulnerable position with a lot going on internally. However, I am also angry with her because through her hurt she hurt our entire family. And not just her family--MY family. Kayla is my step-sister, but I think of her as a sister more often than not. And that is how everyone else from my side sees her...they have adopted her into our family, as sister, as daughter, as niece, as cousin, as granddaughter. Her running away really hurt my whole family. I have never seen my dad so angry. I just want to hit her over the head & yell at her but hug her all at the same time.
2. School. I'm officially a senior...I have earned 93 credits. I have 39 credits left before I can graduate. How awesome is that?! I'm doing methods & practicums in the fall, which scares me. My entire college career up to this point has been to learn how to teach & be a good, effective teacher. This will be my first time to actually teach, and I'm scared. What if I'm not good at it? I know it's silly to be scared that I won't be a good teacher, but becoming a teacher has been my childhood dream. And I'm scared I'll fail at it.
3. Friends. It's summertime. I hate summer. I mean, I love the break from school, don't get me wrong; however, summer break means "GOODBYE FRIENDS!" This year was especially tough. Over the past school year, Brittany & I have become EXTREMELY good friends with Kaylee & Calvin. And they happened to have graduated on Saturday, so I am extremely sad about this. In June, they're getting married & moving to south Texas. I cannot believe how much I am going to miss them. Hugging both of them goodbye for the last time led me to tears. I know I'm going to their wedding, but seeing them there won't be the same as hanging out with them consistently. I also miss my best friend IMMENSELY. My boss told me yesterday that we're sister soulmates & how we have a once in a lifetime friendship & it's not the type of friendship that everyone is blessed with. Cindy just made me realize how THANKFUL I should be for Brittany. Brittany knows just about everything there is to know, can read me like a book, thinks I'm hilarious, loves me when I'm unlovable in my mind, is always there for me, is honest to me, and loves me despite all of that. I've had my doubts in the past, but I know our friendship will last forever. I just miss her so much right now...screw summer & screw Oregon. Screw summer & Oregon because that's who takes her every freaking summer for at least 3 months. :(
Well, I got a lot off my mind, so ciao!
Kaylee, Brittany, & Me
Best Friends
Kelsey, Brittany, & Me
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Kayla
Almost 7 years ago, Kayla Anne Taylor entered my life. My dad was dating a woman named Brenda, who had 2 daughters, Amanda and Kayla. At first, I didn't like her very much...she annoyed me. Almost 2 years after she entered my life as my dad's girlfriend's daughter, she became my step-sister on May 6, 2006. After having my own room for 2 weeks short of 16 years, I was suddenly forced to share a room with this girl. The first year was a rough one...I was used to my privacy & I wasn't sure how to get over not having it anymore. There weren't too many things about Kayla that frustrated me, but it was more my unfamiliarity to her that struck me hard. During my senior year, we began to get along better. When I went off to college, we started to get along a lot better & we were finally from step-sisters to friends.
Kayla is beautiful. She's about 5'5", blonde hair, a size 9-11, and has brownish eyes. She's so funny. Her dream is to become a nurse. Kayla is 17 years old, and she is scheduled to graduate on Friday May, 13, 2011 from Union High School. She ran away on Friday, April 22...less than a month away from graduation. While my family does not know many details, we know that she is in trouble & in a dangerous situation. Kayla doesn't do stupid things most of the time...she's usually responsible. So something is weird & not right. None of us have been able to get ahold of her...through calls or text messages. She's like my sister to me, even when she frustrates me to pieces, and I am EXTREMELY worried about my step-sister. Please pray for her safe return & for my family. They are all over the place in emotions right now.My cousin Emily made this for us:
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Give Me Faith
I'm on Spring Break. Yay! :) This break was VERY needed. This semester has been rough...classes & work have been slightly overwhelming at times. I go non-stop from 9 to 5...I know that this will be life forever...working 7 or 8 to 3ish, so I should get used to it. But it's just exhausting at times. Throw on top of that, God's convictions, and I'm just having a ball. Yes, I know, I probably shouldn't use sarcasm when it comes to God, however, it's just one simple conviction--it's several. 3 to be exact.
1. The once saved always saved debate.
2. Going to church on a consistent basis again.
3. Trusting God.
Lately, the third one has been the most prevalent in my life. I need to learn how to trust God with everything inside of me. In high school, I was able to trust my youth pastors with everything. Now, I am able to trust all of my friends with everything. But why do I never take it to God? I know that He cares about everything, however I have a hard time trusting in Him completely, especially since God isn't here physically. I know, I know...I should be able to trust Him even though I can't see Him. In the movie "A Walk to Remember," Jamie tells Landon that her faith is like the wind--she can't see it but she knows it's there because she can feel it.
One reason that it is so hard for me to trust God is because of the junk that has been in my life for such a long time. In a way, I see that everything that has been in my life is a reason for me to be ashamed because of the fact that I fail all of the time. In church, we sang a song called "Give Me Faith," and it really spoke to me.
Here are the lyrics:
I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life
All I am,
I surrender
Give me faith to trust what you say
That you're good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me
And the part that really stuck with me was this part:
I may be weak
But Your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will
I feel weak & like I can't accomplish all of the tasks that have been given to me. I also feel like I fail all of the time--as a daughter, a sister (I mean, my own older brother cannot stand me at all), a friend, a student, & as a teacher in the future. But with God, I can do anything! I just have to trust Him.
But why is that SO hard?!
1. The once saved always saved debate.
2. Going to church on a consistent basis again.
3. Trusting God.
Lately, the third one has been the most prevalent in my life. I need to learn how to trust God with everything inside of me. In high school, I was able to trust my youth pastors with everything. Now, I am able to trust all of my friends with everything. But why do I never take it to God? I know that He cares about everything, however I have a hard time trusting in Him completely, especially since God isn't here physically. I know, I know...I should be able to trust Him even though I can't see Him. In the movie "A Walk to Remember," Jamie tells Landon that her faith is like the wind--she can't see it but she knows it's there because she can feel it.
One reason that it is so hard for me to trust God is because of the junk that has been in my life for such a long time. In a way, I see that everything that has been in my life is a reason for me to be ashamed because of the fact that I fail all of the time. In church, we sang a song called "Give Me Faith," and it really spoke to me.
Here are the lyrics:
I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life
All I am,
I surrender
Give me faith to trust what you say
That you're good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me
And the part that really stuck with me was this part:
I may be weak
But Your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will
I feel weak & like I can't accomplish all of the tasks that have been given to me. I also feel like I fail all of the time--as a daughter, a sister (I mean, my own older brother cannot stand me at all), a friend, a student, & as a teacher in the future. But with God, I can do anything! I just have to trust Him.
But why is that SO hard?!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
What Do I Believe?
So, the past few weeks, this question has come up A LOT: can someone lose their salvation? This topic has come up in different ways & it's frustrating me. You see, I have gone to a church for the past seven and a half years that believes in once saved, always saved. However, now I go to a university that believes that a person can lose their salvation.
What do I believe you ask? I DON'T KNOW. That's why it is so frustrating to me. I can so easily see both sides. What I have been taught by my pastor and multiple youth pastors makes so much sense to me on how a person cannot lose their salvation. But then you come across the issue of "that person was saved at age 12, but now they say they don't believe in God"--does that mean that they weren't really saved? On the other hand, you have the whole you can lose your salvation idea. Would God really reject someone who believes in them but hasn't been living for Him? My best friend made a point that they don't ask for forgiveness for their sins, but their are "small" sins I make daily that I do without realizing it and I don't ask for forgiveness, so what's the difference? In God's eyes, a sin is a sin...there is no small sin nor are their big sins.
So what's the answer? Is it once saved, always saved? Or is it that a person can lose their salvation? I'm trying so hard to come up with what I believe on this issue instead of basing it off what my church believes or what my university & some of my closest friends believe, which is hard. It's not only hard, but it is EXTREMELY frustrating because when the subject gets brought up, I stay silent. I don't like to talk about stuff I'm not sure about, and this is one topic that has me so confused.
What do I believe you ask? I DON'T KNOW. That's why it is so frustrating to me. I can so easily see both sides. What I have been taught by my pastor and multiple youth pastors makes so much sense to me on how a person cannot lose their salvation. But then you come across the issue of "that person was saved at age 12, but now they say they don't believe in God"--does that mean that they weren't really saved? On the other hand, you have the whole you can lose your salvation idea. Would God really reject someone who believes in them but hasn't been living for Him? My best friend made a point that they don't ask for forgiveness for their sins, but their are "small" sins I make daily that I do without realizing it and I don't ask for forgiveness, so what's the difference? In God's eyes, a sin is a sin...there is no small sin nor are their big sins.
So what's the answer? Is it once saved, always saved? Or is it that a person can lose their salvation? I'm trying so hard to come up with what I believe on this issue instead of basing it off what my church believes or what my university & some of my closest friends believe, which is hard. It's not only hard, but it is EXTREMELY frustrating because when the subject gets brought up, I stay silent. I don't like to talk about stuff I'm not sure about, and this is one topic that has me so confused.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Late Night Reflections
Luke 7:44-47
"44 Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47 Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”"
Sometimes I just need to fall flat on my face before God. I'm finding myself getting to that place. I have been with holding so much of my heart from God over the past year and a half that I feel that I am about to blow. If this Bible verse is true, then I have probably been loving very little because I have been forgiven little.... You see, it's hard to be forgiven when you do not ask for the forgiveness. But I'm getting there.
This week, I have been overwhelmed with a thirst that only reading my Bible & praying to my God can quench. If I am going to be 100% honest, which I am, since this is my blog (haha), I cannot remember the last time that I had this thirst. Through this process, I know that I am going to be on my knees asking for God to forgive me and to renew me and to come back into every area of my life. What makes it so easy to do is knowing that God will be there and He will give me the desires of my heart and exactly what I need from Him.
How great is that?! So great.
"44 Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47 Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”"
Sometimes I just need to fall flat on my face before God. I'm finding myself getting to that place. I have been with holding so much of my heart from God over the past year and a half that I feel that I am about to blow. If this Bible verse is true, then I have probably been loving very little because I have been forgiven little.... You see, it's hard to be forgiven when you do not ask for the forgiveness. But I'm getting there.
This week, I have been overwhelmed with a thirst that only reading my Bible & praying to my God can quench. If I am going to be 100% honest, which I am, since this is my blog (haha), I cannot remember the last time that I had this thirst. Through this process, I know that I am going to be on my knees asking for God to forgive me and to renew me and to come back into every area of my life. What makes it so easy to do is knowing that God will be there and He will give me the desires of my heart and exactly what I need from Him.
How great is that?! So great.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Late Night Drive
The other night, Brittany and I were both doing homework, and we had been working on it for HOURS. So she decided that we (mostly her) needed a break, so we took a break and went for a drive. She told me about something that included someone who I have a grudge against. This opened up a can of worms. We talked about this person for awhile, and why I still hold the grudge despite it happening over 2 years ago. After we were done talking about it, I started to go into myself and started thinking of all the stuff that had happened that school year, with a bunch of people. I realized how many grudges I was holding, and I began to wonder why I still held them so close to my heart--even though I didn't realize it. It didn't take long for me to figure it out. While I had prayed about the situations, I have yet to forgive them all and to forgive myself for my part in it all. I also realized that I have not invited God into those areas of my heart. But why? Why would I block God out of an area in my life and heart that I need Him in so badly? I don't want to hold grudges; I don't want to hide my heart from God. The crazy thing is is that God already knows all of this stuff, so why should it be so hard for me to talk to him about it?
God wants to be a part of my every day life, and He wants me to talk to him and to trust him as much as I do a lot of the people He has blessed me with. He doesn't want me to hide certain parts of my heart from Him--He wants ALL of my heart. I need to let go of my pride, and hand it to him. I say that I can do it all myself, but if I've been struggling with this stuff for 2-3 years, then why do I still refuse to give him what has hurt me and scarred me so much?
1 Peter 5:7- "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
God wants to be a part of my every day life, and He wants me to talk to him and to trust him as much as I do a lot of the people He has blessed me with. He doesn't want me to hide certain parts of my heart from Him--He wants ALL of my heart. I need to let go of my pride, and hand it to him. I say that I can do it all myself, but if I've been struggling with this stuff for 2-3 years, then why do I still refuse to give him what has hurt me and scarred me so much?
1 Peter 5:7- "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
Monday, February 21, 2011
Which to Bury; Us or the Hatchet?
For anyone who knows me, then you know that my older brother, Patrick, and I barely talk. Throughout my whole life, Patrick has been my hero--he's always been the one that I aspire to be like. He got good grades & I was always determined to beat him, although I rarely did. I loved his friends, and I got a lot of them to like me too. I liked the music he listened to, the tv shows he watched, and some of the movies he liked. After my parents' divorce, all I wanted was to get closer to my brother & to become more than brother & sister and to actually become friends. This happened during my freshman year of high school--him & I talked about EVERYTHING. I considered him one of my closest friends. However, life does not always go my way, and a semester after he graduated high school, he left for Oklahoma State University. Like I do now, he did not come home often, which made me sad. I LOVED when he came home, but then he started to change. When he came home, he would barely talk to me. Eventually, he let his new political and religious beliefs become known to all of us. And honestly, I don't care if he's a democrat & I'm a republican--he's family. I say, let's agree to disagree and keep politics out of our relationship. His religious views weren't that crazy, so I just chose to ignore them. The more & more he changed, the less & less he came home from school. Then, 2008 hit and it was my turn to graduate. So the night of graduation, we went out for dinner & had cake afterwards. Less than a week later, it was my 18th birthday! Because my mom and step-mom do not always get along at birthday dinners, my mom decided to take me out to a separate dinner. I also had a birthday party, which really consisted of my friends and I going out to dinner, to a movie, and back to my house for a sleepover. All in all, I had 4 celebrations in one week, and I'm not going to lie, I LOVED the attention. What newly graduated, 18 year old girl wouldn't?! It was at my birthday party that I first realized Patrick's growing resentment towards me, and I didn't understand it. I still don't. My freshman year of college came and went, and I began to understand why Patrick didn't come home often--it's hard to go home. You feel like you have 2 homes, but it's different at home with your family because they have to adjust to having you there again. The summer after my freshman year was hard. Just the adjustment from school to home was hard, especially since all of my close friends live out of Oklahoma, so when school is out, I feel like I have NO ONE. But that summer, Patrick and I barely talked...we actually completely avoided each other. I could just feel the awkwardness between us, and I didn't know what to think of it. Then last year, towards the end of my sophomore year, what had started as his growing resentment towards me came out directly to me. I made a status about politics, which he commented on. A bunch of drama happened, and I deleted him. Honestly, I know I should not have done that, however, I just wanted to make his comments on my facebook disappear. About a week later, he friend requested me again, and I accepted it. For awhile, we didn't interact on facebook AT ALL, but then the NBA finals happened. Because of my best friend, I am a Portland Trail Blazers fan, and of course, being from Oklahoma, he is not. I made a status about the refs needing to let the boys play, and somehow, all hell broke loose. It ended with him telling me that when I stop doing stuff to make other people like me, call him. And then he deleted me & blocked me. To this day, I am still so confused on why he commented on that status and chose to make me feel more hated than I had ever felt in my ENTIRE life. :( Because of my reaction to all of that, my friend Elena messaged him and chewed him out. I wish that she hadn't because I feel like it made things worse between me and Patrick, but at the same time, I'm glad she did because it gave me an insight on to why he doesn't like me. 1. I'm selfish and I don't even know it. 2. My political beliefs are naive and those of my parents. and 3. My religious beliefs are innocent and ignorant and those of my parents. In my mind, I cannot possibly comprehend why those are reasons to completely disregard your little sister and to your best to alienate her from your life. The fact that Patrick does not talk to me and does not like me BREAKS MY HEART. I just want my older brother to love me, to like me, and to be friends with me like we once were.
Because of the fact that I am blocked from his facebook, I find other ways to view it once in a great, great while. The other day, I creeped on him through someone else's facebook and I found something that made me want to cry. He wrote a note back in 2007, which would have made him 20 years old...the same age I am now. He wrote about how he does so much stuff to make other people like him, which is one thing he STRONGLY ridicules me for. And that is one thing that I try extremely hard to not do. Also, I am trying to grow my religious and political beliefs, so that they are my own personal beliefs. However, I do not see my religious beliefs as innocent and ignorant. Yes, I may not be as close to God as I once was, however, my knowledge of the Bible is not tiny (it's not large either). I love God, and I try my best to love people and to be pleasing to God. Also, I am 20 years old, so I can't quite grasp why I HAVE TO HAVE ALL of my political beliefs figured out when most adults my parents age don't. I also that have never voted because I do not want to vote before I am 100% sure that my beliefs are mine and not those of my parents. So why criticize me for stuff that I'm working on? Why can we not put our differences aside and be family?
I heard this song the other day. It used to be a favorite of mine and Patrick's, and I feel like it's an EXTREMELY GOOD illustration of my feelings right now. It's called "Which to Bury; Us or the Hatchet" by Relient K.
Because of the fact that I am blocked from his facebook, I find other ways to view it once in a great, great while. The other day, I creeped on him through someone else's facebook and I found something that made me want to cry. He wrote a note back in 2007, which would have made him 20 years old...the same age I am now. He wrote about how he does so much stuff to make other people like him, which is one thing he STRONGLY ridicules me for. And that is one thing that I try extremely hard to not do. Also, I am trying to grow my religious and political beliefs, so that they are my own personal beliefs. However, I do not see my religious beliefs as innocent and ignorant. Yes, I may not be as close to God as I once was, however, my knowledge of the Bible is not tiny (it's not large either). I love God, and I try my best to love people and to be pleasing to God. Also, I am 20 years old, so I can't quite grasp why I HAVE TO HAVE ALL of my political beliefs figured out when most adults my parents age don't. I also that have never voted because I do not want to vote before I am 100% sure that my beliefs are mine and not those of my parents. So why criticize me for stuff that I'm working on? Why can we not put our differences aside and be family?
I heard this song the other day. It used to be a favorite of mine and Patrick's, and I feel like it's an EXTREMELY GOOD illustration of my feelings right now. It's called "Which to Bury; Us or the Hatchet" by Relient K.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Rules, Rules, Rules
The past few days, I have been bombarded with one big issue: following the rules. Now, I have to preface this by saying that I don't agree with every rule that this school has in place. However, I am a junior and I feel like it's time that I step up & be a leader, whether it be to future freshman, my friends, the girls in my dorm, or whatever--I feel like it's time to grow up and be a leader.
At OWU, all of the rules are put in place for a reason, whether we agree with them or not. And while I don't like them all, I do know that they are made in our best interest. They're not trying to make us suffer. Plus, some of the rules are in place just because we go to a christian university. For example, no R rated movies--I wonder why that's a rule (sarcasm). Yes, I have broken that rule. I own a handful of them, and I've watched them in public lobbies, however, if I was asked to turn it off, then I did. And I respected whoever told me to turn it off. The past week or so, this particular rule has been a problem in my dorm. And tonight, it took a turn for the worse. I actually got to hear the people bash the RA who told them to turn the movie off, and this particular RA just happens to be one of my best friends. So this did not make me happy.
Even when we do not agree with the rules, we need to follow them. And this isn't me trying to lecture other people--this is something that I need to do for my sake as well as for the sake of everyone else. If we were to follow the rules and respect them, this university would be so much more pleasant. Also, we did sign a contract, and we need to uphold what we signed even if it is frustrating. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE IN A LEADERSHIP POSITION. That's all. By respecting the rules and respecting the people who are made to enforce them, then we are pleasing to God. By following rules, we are following God. He put people in our lives who are older than we are, and we need to respect our elders because they are wiser than us most of the time. Just follow the rules--they're there to help you, not to harm you.
At OWU, all of the rules are put in place for a reason, whether we agree with them or not. And while I don't like them all, I do know that they are made in our best interest. They're not trying to make us suffer. Plus, some of the rules are in place just because we go to a christian university. For example, no R rated movies--I wonder why that's a rule (sarcasm). Yes, I have broken that rule. I own a handful of them, and I've watched them in public lobbies, however, if I was asked to turn it off, then I did. And I respected whoever told me to turn it off. The past week or so, this particular rule has been a problem in my dorm. And tonight, it took a turn for the worse. I actually got to hear the people bash the RA who told them to turn the movie off, and this particular RA just happens to be one of my best friends. So this did not make me happy.
Even when we do not agree with the rules, we need to follow them. And this isn't me trying to lecture other people--this is something that I need to do for my sake as well as for the sake of everyone else. If we were to follow the rules and respect them, this university would be so much more pleasant. Also, we did sign a contract, and we need to uphold what we signed even if it is frustrating. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE IN A LEADERSHIP POSITION. That's all. By respecting the rules and respecting the people who are made to enforce them, then we are pleasing to God. By following rules, we are following God. He put people in our lives who are older than we are, and we need to respect our elders because they are wiser than us most of the time. Just follow the rules--they're there to help you, not to harm you.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Sick During a Blizzard
I am sick right now, and I have been sick for almost a week. I absolutely LOATHE being sick. When I'm sick, all I want is my mom and/or my dad. And unfortunately, since I'm in school and live 45 minutes away, that just can't happen. Fortunately, I do have the absolute BEST best friend on this planet & she's taking good care of me. You see, when I'm sick, I am SUPER needy. I get whiny & just not happy in any way. I have not been this sick for a long time...I have a very deep cough, a runny nose, a headache, an on & off fever, and I only have about half of my normal voice left. It is awful. :(
However, I did get sick at the absolute best time. We had a blizzard--in good ol' Oklahoma! :D And we had THREE snow days in a row because of it. It was AWESOME. :D Yesterday, I slept in way long & laid around all day. It was wonderful and definitely very needed. I do have classes tomorrow, but I'm only going to 1 of them because it's a really hard class.
However, I did get sick at the absolute best time. We had a blizzard--in good ol' Oklahoma! :D And we had THREE snow days in a row because of it. It was AWESOME. :D Yesterday, I slept in way long & laid around all day. It was wonderful and definitely very needed. I do have classes tomorrow, but I'm only going to 1 of them because it's a really hard class.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
My Best Friend
Over the years, I have had many, many, many best friends. My freshman year at OWU, I met Brittany. When I first met her, I didn't like her. Over a few weeks though, I found out that she was one of the funniest people on this planet and that she has the biggest heart in the whole world. We quickly became best friends, and our friendship has made others envious. The best thing about our friendship is that we complement each other--we completely understand one another, and there is not ONE THING that could bring us apart. She has ALWAYS been there for me--every single time I have needed her. The best part? She's been there for me when SHE was the one who hurt me. Haha--now THAT is true friendship right there! Yes, we fight alot, but we are always here for one another. I take my friendship with her for granted. Not everyone is blessed with a friend like her, and I thank God that He put someone so wonderful in my life. She's my favorite. :)
The weekend where we became best friends <3
At Enchanted Forest this past summer when I went to visit her! :)
We took this on her computer tonight!
The weekend where we became best friends <3
At Enchanted Forest this past summer when I went to visit her! :)
We took this on her computer tonight!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
He Sings Over Me
Zephaniah 3:17 says, "The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”
I got this verse from the seventh book in one of my favorite book series, Glenbrooke by Robin Jones Gunn. I can really relate the main character in the book because she's learning how to trust God. At one point, she's looking at a post card of a gondola in Venice when it hits her! God is supposed to be the one guiding our boat in the right direction, making sure the boat stays afloat, while he sings over us. We need to trust in God that He's taking us in the right direction.
This verse makes my heart happy. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that anyone, especially God, would take great delight in me. You know, I'm human--I have my flaws, my insecurities, and I am a PRO at driving people away. So for someone to take DELIGHT in me is so happy and I don't even know how to comprehend it! Also, I feel that throughout the past few years, everyone has taken their turn to disapprove of my personality or my actions, but God won't. I'm His daughter, and He knows that I am going to mess up, so instead of telling me everything that I'm doing is wrong, He's going to sing over me and steer my gondola in the direction that He wants it to go.
This just gives me peace. God is so amazing. He sings over me! How amazing is that?! I can't even describe the joy that it gives me--I feel like I learned a few of the same lessons as Leah. But for me, I'm real--my life is real, so this actually can affect me and the people around me. God is crazy wonderful!
I got this verse from the seventh book in one of my favorite book series, Glenbrooke by Robin Jones Gunn. I can really relate the main character in the book because she's learning how to trust God. At one point, she's looking at a post card of a gondola in Venice when it hits her! God is supposed to be the one guiding our boat in the right direction, making sure the boat stays afloat, while he sings over us. We need to trust in God that He's taking us in the right direction.
This verse makes my heart happy. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that anyone, especially God, would take great delight in me. You know, I'm human--I have my flaws, my insecurities, and I am a PRO at driving people away. So for someone to take DELIGHT in me is so happy and I don't even know how to comprehend it! Also, I feel that throughout the past few years, everyone has taken their turn to disapprove of my personality or my actions, but God won't. I'm His daughter, and He knows that I am going to mess up, so instead of telling me everything that I'm doing is wrong, He's going to sing over me and steer my gondola in the direction that He wants it to go.
This just gives me peace. God is so amazing. He sings over me! How amazing is that?! I can't even describe the joy that it gives me--I feel like I learned a few of the same lessons as Leah. But for me, I'm real--my life is real, so this actually can affect me and the people around me. God is crazy wonderful!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
This is My Prayer in the Battle
Over the past year and a half or so, my relationship with God has been rocky. Mostly because I was going against God, so that I could do my own thing. Over that time I had felt guilty and down for a majority of it. Turns out ignoring God to do your own thing doesn't leave you feeling very happy or fulfilled. It makes me content in knowing that my relationship with God gives me life, and without Him, something is missing.
As I make my way back to God, I find myself struggling with past sins. I find myself being attacked by Satan--when I'm awake and when I'm asleep. But when i feel the attack coming, I've been really good at relying on God and asking Him to take care of this one because I can't do it on my own. You know--the whole "God, Satan's knocking, can you get it?" thing. :)
There's a song by Hillsong that I feel fits every situation, no matter where you are spiritually, and it helps me. It brings me peace. It's called Desert Song.
Here are they lyrics:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
And weakness or trial or pain
There is faith proved more worth than gold
So refine me lord through the faith
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So fill my his promise ill stand
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empties again
The seed I receive I will sow
I don't deserve all of the good things that God has blessed me with, and I definitely don't deserve His presence in my life. However, I am thankful for it. And I'm hoping in the next few weeks that I will once again fall so in love with my Savior because He is wonderful indeed.
As I make my way back to God, I find myself struggling with past sins. I find myself being attacked by Satan--when I'm awake and when I'm asleep. But when i feel the attack coming, I've been really good at relying on God and asking Him to take care of this one because I can't do it on my own. You know--the whole "God, Satan's knocking, can you get it?" thing. :)
There's a song by Hillsong that I feel fits every situation, no matter where you are spiritually, and it helps me. It brings me peace. It's called Desert Song.
Here are they lyrics:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
And weakness or trial or pain
There is faith proved more worth than gold
So refine me lord through the faith
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So fill my his promise ill stand
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empties again
The seed I receive I will sow
I don't deserve all of the good things that God has blessed me with, and I definitely don't deserve His presence in my life. However, I am thankful for it. And I'm hoping in the next few weeks that I will once again fall so in love with my Savior because He is wonderful indeed.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Grudges
I'll admit it now: I hold grudges. So please, don't mess with me. Don't say or do something that will hurt me, especially if you want to be friends with me because I hold grudges and it takes a LONG time for me to get over things. I know that I shouldn't hold grudges, and I should just let the past stay in the past. But when people hurt me in such big ways, I have a hard time just letting it go. Maybe one of these days I'll grow up and stop holding grudges. Who knows? I don't.
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