Which to Bury; Us or the Hatchet?

For anyone who knows me, then you know that my older brother, Patrick, and I barely talk. Throughout my whole life, Patrick has been my hero--he's always been the one that I aspire to be like. He got good grades & I was always determined to beat him, although I rarely did. I loved his friends, and I got a lot of them to like me too. I liked the music he listened to, the tv shows he watched, and some of the movies he liked. After my parents' divorce, all I wanted was to get closer to my brother & to become more than brother & sister and to actually become friends. This happened during my freshman year of high school--him & I talked about EVERYTHING. I considered him one of my closest friends. However, life does not always go my way, and a semester after he graduated high school, he left for Oklahoma State University. Like I do now, he did not come home often, which made me sad. I LOVED when he came home, but then he started to change. When he came home, he would barely talk to me. Eventually, he let his new political and religious beliefs become known to all of us. And honestly, I don't care if he's a democrat & I'm a republican--he's family. I say, let's agree to disagree and keep politics out of our relationship. His religious views weren't that crazy, so I just chose to ignore them. The more & more he changed, the less & less he came home from school. Then, 2008 hit and it was my turn to graduate. So the night of graduation, we went out for dinner & had cake afterwards. Less than a week later, it was my 18th birthday! Because my mom and step-mom do not always get along at birthday dinners, my mom decided to take me out to a separate dinner. I also had a birthday party, which really consisted of my friends and I going out to dinner, to a movie, and back to my house for a sleepover. All in all, I had 4 celebrations in one week, and I'm not going to lie, I LOVED the attention. What newly graduated, 18 year old girl wouldn't?! It was at my birthday party that I first realized Patrick's growing resentment towards me, and I didn't understand it. I still don't. My freshman year of college came and went, and I began to understand why Patrick didn't come home often--it's hard to go home. You feel like you have 2 homes, but it's different at home with your family because they have to adjust to having you there again. The summer after my freshman year was hard. Just the adjustment from school to home was hard, especially since all of my close friends live out of Oklahoma, so when school is out, I feel like I have NO ONE. But that summer, Patrick and I barely talked...we actually completely avoided each other. I could just feel the awkwardness between us, and I didn't know what to think of it. Then last year, towards the end of my sophomore year, what had started as his growing resentment towards me came out directly to me. I made a status about politics, which he commented on. A bunch of drama happened, and I deleted him. Honestly, I know I should not have done that, however, I just wanted to make his comments on my facebook disappear. About a week later, he friend requested me again, and I accepted it. For awhile, we didn't interact on facebook AT ALL, but then the NBA finals happened. Because of my best friend, I am a Portland Trail Blazers fan, and of course, being from Oklahoma, he is not. I made a status about the refs needing to let the boys play, and somehow, all hell broke loose. It ended with him telling me that when I stop doing stuff to make other people like me, call him. And then he deleted me & blocked me. To this day, I am still so confused on why he commented on that status and chose to make me feel more hated than I had ever felt in my ENTIRE life. :( Because of my reaction to all of that, my friend Elena messaged him and chewed him out. I wish that she hadn't because I feel like it made things worse between me and Patrick, but at the same time, I'm glad she did because it gave me an insight on to why he doesn't like me. 1. I'm selfish and I don't even know it. 2. My political beliefs are naive and those of my parents. and 3. My religious beliefs are innocent and ignorant and those of my parents. In my mind, I cannot possibly comprehend why those are reasons to completely disregard your little sister and to your best to alienate her from your life. The fact that Patrick does not talk to me and does not like me BREAKS MY HEART. I just want my older brother to love me, to like me, and to be friends with me like we once were.

Because of the fact that I am blocked from his facebook, I find other ways to view it once in a great, great while. The other day, I creeped on him through someone else's facebook and I found something that made me want to cry. He wrote a note back in 2007, which would have made him 20 years old...the same age I am now. He wrote about how he does so much stuff to make other people like him, which is one thing he STRONGLY ridicules me for. And that is one thing that I try extremely hard to not do. Also, I am trying to grow my religious and political beliefs, so that they are my own personal beliefs. However, I do not see my religious beliefs as innocent and ignorant. Yes, I may not be as close to God as I once was, however, my knowledge of the Bible is not tiny (it's not large either). I love God, and I try my best to love people and to be pleasing to God. Also, I am 20 years old, so I can't quite grasp why I HAVE TO HAVE ALL of my political beliefs figured out when most adults my parents age don't. I also that have never voted because I do not want to vote before I am 100% sure that my beliefs are mine and not those of my parents. So why criticize me for stuff that I'm working on? Why can we not put our differences aside and be family?

I heard this song the other day. It used to be a favorite of mine and Patrick's, and I feel like it's an EXTREMELY GOOD illustration of my feelings right now. It's called "Which to Bury; Us or the Hatchet" by Relient K.