The Mask

Okay, I will admit it now: I am an avid fan of the Bachelor/Bachelorette. I love the show, no matter how stupid it may or may not seem. Right now the Bachelorette is on. Well, not at this exact moment, but it just started 2 weeks ago. One of the men vying for Ashley's heart is named Jeff and this is how he's been introduced to her, the other men, & all of the viewers.

Now, everyone is FLIPPING out about him and how weird he is. And I will admit that at first, I agreed that it was weird. On the first night, he told her that he wanted her to get to know him and his personality before he revealed his face. All of the guys assume that because of this outward mask that he has something to hide. Does he? Probably.

But this is where my thoughts went with it as I was reading comments on how much a freak this guy is. We all wear masks. Why is he considered weird for wearing one when we all do? He's just being honest about it because you can SEE it.

I hate masks, but I find myself putting up fronts ALL the time, so that people won't see the real me or what I'm going through. And this has hurt me in the long run. The majority of the people around me do not know the real Arynn, except for a select few. I have perfected the art of wearing a mask, and now that I am trying to get rid of it, it haunts me. I hide behind these masks because I am scared that people will not like me. Heck, my own brother doesn't like me, so what's going to stop this stranger from disliking me. My mask will, duh. Sadly, that's my train of thought. As I take the mask off, I long to hear that people like me...the real me, the Arynn Behind the Mask. I long for validation that I am worth it, that I am beautiful, that I am funny, that I am nice, that I am selfless, that I am friendly, and that I am worth hanging out with.

Masks suck. Take your's off. You won't regret it. I don't.

Late Night Thoughts

Over the past few weeks, I have had several things on my mind:

1. Kayla. We found her! She has a long road ahead of her, but my parents are making sure that she gets everything she needs to succeed. Unfortunately, she did not get to walk in her graduation last weekend. She will still get a diploma, but she missed out on all the fun parts of finishing high school. I have not seen her yet, since I have not been home since she was found. My birthday is this weekend, so I will see her then. I have many many many mixed emotions when it comes to her. I feel sorry for her because I know that in order for her to run away that she must have been in a really vulnerable position with a lot going on internally. However, I am also angry with her because through her hurt she hurt our entire family. And not just her family--MY family. Kayla is my step-sister, but I think of her as a sister more often than not. And that is how everyone else from my side sees her...they have adopted her into our family, as sister, as daughter, as niece, as cousin, as granddaughter. Her running away really hurt my whole family. I have never seen my dad so angry. I just want to hit her over the head & yell at her but hug her all at the same time.

2. School. I'm officially a senior...I have earned 93 credits. I have 39 credits left before I can graduate. How awesome is that?! I'm doing methods & practicums in the fall, which scares me. My entire college career up to this point has been to learn how to teach & be a good, effective teacher. This will be my first time to actually teach, and I'm scared. What if I'm not good at it? I know it's silly to be scared that I won't be a good teacher, but becoming a teacher has been my childhood dream. And I'm scared I'll fail at it.

3. Friends. It's summertime. I hate summer. I mean, I love the break from school, don't get me wrong; however, summer break means "GOODBYE FRIENDS!" This year was especially tough. Over the past school year, Brittany & I have become EXTREMELY good friends with Kaylee & Calvin. And they happened to have graduated on Saturday, so I am extremely sad about this. In June, they're getting married & moving to south Texas. I cannot believe how much I am going to miss them. Hugging both of them goodbye for the last time led me to tears. I know I'm going to their wedding, but seeing them there won't be the same as hanging out with them consistently. I also miss my best friend IMMENSELY. My boss told me yesterday that we're sister soulmates & how we have a once in a lifetime friendship & it's not the type of friendship that everyone is blessed with. Cindy just made me realize how THANKFUL I should be for Brittany. Brittany knows just about everything there is to know, can read me like a book, thinks I'm hilarious, loves me when I'm unlovable in my mind, is always there for me, is honest to me, and loves me despite all of that. I've had my doubts in the past, but I know our friendship will last forever. I just miss her so much right now...screw summer & screw Oregon. Screw summer & Oregon because that's who takes her every freaking summer for at least 3 months. :(

Well, I got a lot off my mind, so ciao!


Kaylee, Brittany, & Me


Best Friends


Kelsey, Brittany, & Me