Give Me Faith

I'm on Spring Break. Yay! :) This break was VERY needed. This semester has been rough...classes & work have been slightly overwhelming at times. I go non-stop from 9 to 5...I know that this will be life forever...working 7 or 8 to 3ish, so I should get used to it. But it's just exhausting at times. Throw on top of that, God's convictions, and I'm just having a ball. Yes, I know, I probably shouldn't use sarcasm when it comes to God, however, it's just one simple conviction--it's several. 3 to be exact.

1. The once saved always saved debate.
2. Going to church on a consistent basis again.
3. Trusting God.

Lately, the third one has been the most prevalent in my life. I need to learn how to trust God with everything inside of me. In high school, I was able to trust my youth pastors with everything. Now, I am able to trust all of my friends with everything. But why do I never take it to God? I know that He cares about everything, however I have a hard time trusting in Him completely, especially since God isn't here physically. I know, I know...I should be able to trust Him even though I can't see Him. In the movie "A Walk to Remember," Jamie tells Landon that her faith is like the wind--she can't see it but she knows it's there because she can feel it.

One reason that it is so hard for me to trust God is because of the junk that has been in my life for such a long time. In a way, I see that everything that has been in my life is a reason for me to be ashamed because of the fact that I fail all of the time. In church, we sang a song called "Give Me Faith," and it really spoke to me.

Here are the lyrics:
I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life
All I am,
I surrender
Give me faith to trust what you say
That you're good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me

And the part that really stuck with me was this part:
I may be weak
But Your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will

I feel weak & like I can't accomplish all of the tasks that have been given to me. I also feel like I fail all of the time--as a daughter, a sister (I mean, my own older brother cannot stand me at all), a friend, a student, & as a teacher in the future. But with God, I can do anything! I just have to trust Him.

But why is that SO hard?!

What Do I Believe?

So, the past few weeks, this question has come up A LOT: can someone lose their salvation? This topic has come up in different ways & it's frustrating me. You see, I have gone to a church for the past seven and a half years that believes in once saved, always saved. However, now I go to a university that believes that a person can lose their salvation.

What do I believe you ask? I DON'T KNOW. That's why it is so frustrating to me. I can so easily see both sides. What I have been taught by my pastor and multiple youth pastors makes so much sense to me on how a person cannot lose their salvation. But then you come across the issue of "that person was saved at age 12, but now they say they don't believe in God"--does that mean that they weren't really saved? On the other hand, you have the whole you can lose your salvation idea. Would God really reject someone who believes in them but hasn't been living for Him? My best friend made a point that they don't ask for forgiveness for their sins, but their are "small" sins I make daily that I do without realizing it and I don't ask for forgiveness, so what's the difference? In God's eyes, a sin is a sin...there is no small sin nor are their big sins.

So what's the answer? Is it once saved, always saved? Or is it that a person can lose their salvation? I'm trying so hard to come up with what I believe on this issue instead of basing it off what my church believes or what my university & some of my closest friends believe, which is hard. It's not only hard, but it is EXTREMELY frustrating because when the subject gets brought up, I stay silent. I don't like to talk about stuff I'm not sure about, and this is one topic that has me so confused.

Late Night Reflections

Luke 7:44-47

"44 Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47 Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”"

Sometimes I just need to fall flat on my face before God. I'm finding myself getting to that place. I have been with holding so much of my heart from God over the past year and a half that I feel that I am about to blow. If this Bible verse is true, then I have probably been loving very little because I have been forgiven little.... You see, it's hard to be forgiven when you do not ask for the forgiveness. But I'm getting there.

This week, I have been overwhelmed with a thirst that only reading my Bible & praying to my God can quench. If I am going to be 100% honest, which I am, since this is my blog (haha), I cannot remember the last time that I had this thirst. Through this process, I know that I am going to be on my knees asking for God to forgive me and to renew me and to come back into every area of my life. What makes it so easy to do is knowing that God will be there and He will give me the desires of my heart and exactly what I need from Him.

How great is that?! So great.