Captivating

In high school, I read the book Captivating. Now, 4 years later, I'm reading it again for the first time since junior year of high school. Reading it again has brought some things to light.

A few weeks ago I was sitting in the office of one the student life staff members talking to him about some things. One of the things that we were talking about is why I feel that people won't like me, so I hide who I really am from other people. For as far back as I could remember, I tell people that I'm shy. The truth is is that I just have a hard time opening up because deep down, I'm TERRIFIED that they're not going to like me. As I was reading Captivating, I realized why I'm so scared of people not liking me. It's simple--my own family doesn't like me. My parents like me--they don't have anything bad to say about me, at least, not that I know of. However, my siblings don't like me, and they've made that pretty clear to me since high school. Over the past 4 years, my little brother & younger step-sister have changed their ways when it comes to me. But little do they realize, I still have deep scars from the words that they cut me with back in high school. To this day, my older brother still doesn't talk to me for the most part. He dislikes me for so many reasons, one of them being my personality in general. If my own family doesn't like me & doesn't want to be around me, then why would anyone else?

Right now, I am 21 years old, and I'm trying to change the way I see the world and the way that the world sees me. Contrary to what my brother says, I don't have to have the world figured out. It shouldn't matter what political party I am, what I believe in religiously, or where I go to school. What does matter is that it is my life, I'm trying my best follow God, and I'm still trying to figure it out my way.

So, here's some old school T-Swift, which I think describes me right now perfectly.

"Place in This World":

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly