Ohhh, Summer

This summer has been an interesting one...one where God has reached out to me. God has been relentless in his pursuit of me, and I have not felt more loved because of it.

I'm about to enter my senior year of college, and I have been struggling through the memories of freshman year. I've said this before, and it is one of my biggest weaknesses--I hold grudges. Well, there have been a few grudges that I have been holding since freshman year. They were grudges and hurts so deep in my heart that I just pushed them aside to ignore. I let myself believe that I had ridden myself of them, when in reality, I had not gotten rid of them at all. Over the past 10-12 weeks, God has reached out to me. I have ignored several of his commands, but finally, last week, I gave in. As I was helping some friends move in, I talked to someone who I haven't been on good terms with since freshman year. This was an extremely good conversation for me to have, for it took a huge burden off of my heart. I know that this girl and I will never be friends, but to know that we can pass each other by or sit at the same table for a meal and not feel tension and weirdness between us is nice.

That same night, I was talking to two of my very good friends about my grudges. They helped me realize that the grudges, ignoring hurtful situations, and not allowing God into these situations won't help me. Yes, this is all stuff that I know, but it's nice to have reminders every once in awhile. This conversation was a healing conversation for me. I read them a note I wrote to my brother not too long ago, that I have yet to give to him out of fear of continued rejection. As I read this note, I was overwhelmed with emotions. And I realized that while I'm still hurt by the things that my brother has said and done to me, I no longer hold as much anger towards him as I have. The note was healing to me, and whether I ever give it to him or not, I have spoken, or written, my peace.

At this current moment, there is only one more person that I need to talk with God about. I might write him a note, and I probably will never give it to him, for it will be for my peace of mind only.

Sometimes, the amount of love that God bestows upon me is just overwhelming. I don't deserve anything that he has to offer me, and His love for me is unrelenting. His love for me makes me feel so precious & wonderful. I love my God.