Captivating

In high school, I read the book Captivating. Now, 4 years later, I'm reading it again for the first time since junior year of high school. Reading it again has brought some things to light.

A few weeks ago I was sitting in the office of one the student life staff members talking to him about some things. One of the things that we were talking about is why I feel that people won't like me, so I hide who I really am from other people. For as far back as I could remember, I tell people that I'm shy. The truth is is that I just have a hard time opening up because deep down, I'm TERRIFIED that they're not going to like me. As I was reading Captivating, I realized why I'm so scared of people not liking me. It's simple--my own family doesn't like me. My parents like me--they don't have anything bad to say about me, at least, not that I know of. However, my siblings don't like me, and they've made that pretty clear to me since high school. Over the past 4 years, my little brother & younger step-sister have changed their ways when it comes to me. But little do they realize, I still have deep scars from the words that they cut me with back in high school. To this day, my older brother still doesn't talk to me for the most part. He dislikes me for so many reasons, one of them being my personality in general. If my own family doesn't like me & doesn't want to be around me, then why would anyone else?

Right now, I am 21 years old, and I'm trying to change the way I see the world and the way that the world sees me. Contrary to what my brother says, I don't have to have the world figured out. It shouldn't matter what political party I am, what I believe in religiously, or where I go to school. What does matter is that it is my life, I'm trying my best follow God, and I'm still trying to figure it out my way.

So, here's some old school T-Swift, which I think describes me right now perfectly.

"Place in This World":

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly

The Mask

Okay, I will admit it now: I am an avid fan of the Bachelor/Bachelorette. I love the show, no matter how stupid it may or may not seem. Right now the Bachelorette is on. Well, not at this exact moment, but it just started 2 weeks ago. One of the men vying for Ashley's heart is named Jeff and this is how he's been introduced to her, the other men, & all of the viewers.

Now, everyone is FLIPPING out about him and how weird he is. And I will admit that at first, I agreed that it was weird. On the first night, he told her that he wanted her to get to know him and his personality before he revealed his face. All of the guys assume that because of this outward mask that he has something to hide. Does he? Probably.

But this is where my thoughts went with it as I was reading comments on how much a freak this guy is. We all wear masks. Why is he considered weird for wearing one when we all do? He's just being honest about it because you can SEE it.

I hate masks, but I find myself putting up fronts ALL the time, so that people won't see the real me or what I'm going through. And this has hurt me in the long run. The majority of the people around me do not know the real Arynn, except for a select few. I have perfected the art of wearing a mask, and now that I am trying to get rid of it, it haunts me. I hide behind these masks because I am scared that people will not like me. Heck, my own brother doesn't like me, so what's going to stop this stranger from disliking me. My mask will, duh. Sadly, that's my train of thought. As I take the mask off, I long to hear that people like me...the real me, the Arynn Behind the Mask. I long for validation that I am worth it, that I am beautiful, that I am funny, that I am nice, that I am selfless, that I am friendly, and that I am worth hanging out with.

Masks suck. Take your's off. You won't regret it. I don't.

Late Night Thoughts

Over the past few weeks, I have had several things on my mind:

1. Kayla. We found her! She has a long road ahead of her, but my parents are making sure that she gets everything she needs to succeed. Unfortunately, she did not get to walk in her graduation last weekend. She will still get a diploma, but she missed out on all the fun parts of finishing high school. I have not seen her yet, since I have not been home since she was found. My birthday is this weekend, so I will see her then. I have many many many mixed emotions when it comes to her. I feel sorry for her because I know that in order for her to run away that she must have been in a really vulnerable position with a lot going on internally. However, I am also angry with her because through her hurt she hurt our entire family. And not just her family--MY family. Kayla is my step-sister, but I think of her as a sister more often than not. And that is how everyone else from my side sees her...they have adopted her into our family, as sister, as daughter, as niece, as cousin, as granddaughter. Her running away really hurt my whole family. I have never seen my dad so angry. I just want to hit her over the head & yell at her but hug her all at the same time.

2. School. I'm officially a senior...I have earned 93 credits. I have 39 credits left before I can graduate. How awesome is that?! I'm doing methods & practicums in the fall, which scares me. My entire college career up to this point has been to learn how to teach & be a good, effective teacher. This will be my first time to actually teach, and I'm scared. What if I'm not good at it? I know it's silly to be scared that I won't be a good teacher, but becoming a teacher has been my childhood dream. And I'm scared I'll fail at it.

3. Friends. It's summertime. I hate summer. I mean, I love the break from school, don't get me wrong; however, summer break means "GOODBYE FRIENDS!" This year was especially tough. Over the past school year, Brittany & I have become EXTREMELY good friends with Kaylee & Calvin. And they happened to have graduated on Saturday, so I am extremely sad about this. In June, they're getting married & moving to south Texas. I cannot believe how much I am going to miss them. Hugging both of them goodbye for the last time led me to tears. I know I'm going to their wedding, but seeing them there won't be the same as hanging out with them consistently. I also miss my best friend IMMENSELY. My boss told me yesterday that we're sister soulmates & how we have a once in a lifetime friendship & it's not the type of friendship that everyone is blessed with. Cindy just made me realize how THANKFUL I should be for Brittany. Brittany knows just about everything there is to know, can read me like a book, thinks I'm hilarious, loves me when I'm unlovable in my mind, is always there for me, is honest to me, and loves me despite all of that. I've had my doubts in the past, but I know our friendship will last forever. I just miss her so much right now...screw summer & screw Oregon. Screw summer & Oregon because that's who takes her every freaking summer for at least 3 months. :(

Well, I got a lot off my mind, so ciao!


Kaylee, Brittany, & Me


Best Friends


Kelsey, Brittany, & Me

Kayla

Almost 7 years ago, Kayla Anne Taylor entered my life. My dad was dating a woman named Brenda, who had 2 daughters, Amanda and Kayla. At first, I didn't like her very much...she annoyed me. Almost 2 years after she entered my life as my dad's girlfriend's daughter, she became my step-sister on May 6, 2006. After having my own room for 2 weeks short of 16 years, I was suddenly forced to share a room with this girl. The first year was a rough one...I was used to my privacy & I wasn't sure how to get over not having it anymore. There weren't too many things about Kayla that frustrated me, but it was more my unfamiliarity to her that struck me hard. During my senior year, we began to get along better. When I went off to college, we started to get along a lot better & we were finally from step-sisters to friends.

Kayla is beautiful. She's about 5'5", blonde hair, a size 9-11, and has brownish eyes. She's so funny. Her dream is to become a nurse. Kayla is 17 years old, and she is scheduled to graduate on Friday May, 13, 2011 from Union High School. She ran away on Friday, April 22...less than a month away from graduation. While my family does not know many details, we know that she is in trouble & in a dangerous situation. Kayla doesn't do stupid things most of the time...she's usually responsible. So something is weird & not right. None of us have been able to get ahold of her...through calls or text messages. She's like my sister to me, even when she frustrates me to pieces, and I am EXTREMELY worried about my step-sister. Please pray for her safe return & for my family. They are all over the place in emotions right now.

My cousin Emily made this for us:

Give Me Faith

I'm on Spring Break. Yay! :) This break was VERY needed. This semester has been rough...classes & work have been slightly overwhelming at times. I go non-stop from 9 to 5...I know that this will be life forever...working 7 or 8 to 3ish, so I should get used to it. But it's just exhausting at times. Throw on top of that, God's convictions, and I'm just having a ball. Yes, I know, I probably shouldn't use sarcasm when it comes to God, however, it's just one simple conviction--it's several. 3 to be exact.

1. The once saved always saved debate.
2. Going to church on a consistent basis again.
3. Trusting God.

Lately, the third one has been the most prevalent in my life. I need to learn how to trust God with everything inside of me. In high school, I was able to trust my youth pastors with everything. Now, I am able to trust all of my friends with everything. But why do I never take it to God? I know that He cares about everything, however I have a hard time trusting in Him completely, especially since God isn't here physically. I know, I know...I should be able to trust Him even though I can't see Him. In the movie "A Walk to Remember," Jamie tells Landon that her faith is like the wind--she can't see it but she knows it's there because she can feel it.

One reason that it is so hard for me to trust God is because of the junk that has been in my life for such a long time. In a way, I see that everything that has been in my life is a reason for me to be ashamed because of the fact that I fail all of the time. In church, we sang a song called "Give Me Faith," and it really spoke to me.

Here are the lyrics:
I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life
All I am,
I surrender
Give me faith to trust what you say
That you're good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me

And the part that really stuck with me was this part:
I may be weak
But Your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will

I feel weak & like I can't accomplish all of the tasks that have been given to me. I also feel like I fail all of the time--as a daughter, a sister (I mean, my own older brother cannot stand me at all), a friend, a student, & as a teacher in the future. But with God, I can do anything! I just have to trust Him.

But why is that SO hard?!

What Do I Believe?

So, the past few weeks, this question has come up A LOT: can someone lose their salvation? This topic has come up in different ways & it's frustrating me. You see, I have gone to a church for the past seven and a half years that believes in once saved, always saved. However, now I go to a university that believes that a person can lose their salvation.

What do I believe you ask? I DON'T KNOW. That's why it is so frustrating to me. I can so easily see both sides. What I have been taught by my pastor and multiple youth pastors makes so much sense to me on how a person cannot lose their salvation. But then you come across the issue of "that person was saved at age 12, but now they say they don't believe in God"--does that mean that they weren't really saved? On the other hand, you have the whole you can lose your salvation idea. Would God really reject someone who believes in them but hasn't been living for Him? My best friend made a point that they don't ask for forgiveness for their sins, but their are "small" sins I make daily that I do without realizing it and I don't ask for forgiveness, so what's the difference? In God's eyes, a sin is a sin...there is no small sin nor are their big sins.

So what's the answer? Is it once saved, always saved? Or is it that a person can lose their salvation? I'm trying so hard to come up with what I believe on this issue instead of basing it off what my church believes or what my university & some of my closest friends believe, which is hard. It's not only hard, but it is EXTREMELY frustrating because when the subject gets brought up, I stay silent. I don't like to talk about stuff I'm not sure about, and this is one topic that has me so confused.

Late Night Reflections

Luke 7:44-47

"44 Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47 Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”"

Sometimes I just need to fall flat on my face before God. I'm finding myself getting to that place. I have been with holding so much of my heart from God over the past year and a half that I feel that I am about to blow. If this Bible verse is true, then I have probably been loving very little because I have been forgiven little.... You see, it's hard to be forgiven when you do not ask for the forgiveness. But I'm getting there.

This week, I have been overwhelmed with a thirst that only reading my Bible & praying to my God can quench. If I am going to be 100% honest, which I am, since this is my blog (haha), I cannot remember the last time that I had this thirst. Through this process, I know that I am going to be on my knees asking for God to forgive me and to renew me and to come back into every area of my life. What makes it so easy to do is knowing that God will be there and He will give me the desires of my heart and exactly what I need from Him.

How great is that?! So great.