My Flaws

Have you ever wondered what people think about you? I think about it quite often. Throughout the years, I have had people tell me all sorts of things that they think about me.

I'll list them for you: selfish, self-centered, drama queen, obnoxious, jealous, manipulative, so on & so forth. Since my senior year of high school, Satan has been telling me all of these things through other people, so that I focus on the bad things about myself. Alana didn't talk to me for months because I called excited about prom/graduation/18th birthday that I forgot to ask how her life was (all I care about is me); my brother can't stand me because I'm self-centered, a spoiled brat who gets everything her way, my religious & political views are naive and based off of my parents, and I can't realize how selfish I am--EVERYTHING that comes out of my mouth is about me; Kyle pointed out that I'm selfish and a drama queen that causes people to not want to be around me; April and Albert couldn't stand my drama and the fact that I got so close to Brittany.

Obviously, you get the point. Besides Brittany pounding into my brain & heart the good things about me, I cannot tell you the last time I heard something POSITIVE about myself from a friend or family member, except for my grades and how responsible I am for knowing what I want to do. But I'm sorry, those don't make me feel good about myself. I know I'm shy...I don't need you to tell me that. Brittany is the only one who tells me on a constant basis the good things about me, and I take her for granted more than I mean to. She's definitely my rock.

I hadn't realized how much negativity had surrounded me and how I view myself as a person until talking to my best friend on skype tonight. Brandon told me, completely out of the blue, that he thought I would be a good teacher just through seeing me in a government class. When I told Brittany that, she continued it and told me some of the reasons she agrees with them. And they told me a few good things about me. I didn't want to believe them at first because no one compliments me like that--all I get is stuff about being responsible with school because I can get on the Dean's List or the President's List. Woo-hoo...how about you tell me something else? Something good about my personality.

I don't want to think about what people think of me because it's always bad. You don't need to point out the bad--I know the bad. I know my flaws--better than anyone else. Because they are MY flaws.

T-Swift says it best, like always...part of her lyrics to "Mean":
You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me,
You, have knocked me off my feet again,
Got me feeling like I’m nothing.
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I’m wounded.
You, pickin’ on the weaker man.

Well you can take me down,
With just one single blow.
But you don’t know, what you don’t know,

Someday, I’ll be living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides,
And your walk by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again,
As if I don’t already see them.
I walk with my head down,
Trying to block you out cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again.

I bet you got pushed around,
Somebody made you cold,
But the cycle ends right now,
You can’t lead me down that road,
You don’t know, what you don’t know