Fearless

I have let fear guide me through life, and I did not realize how much fear drives my life until recently.

Over the past few years, I have alienated friends through fear that they would leave me, and the end result was me pushing them away before they could leave me. But who knows? Maybe they would not have left if I would not have pushed them away. My best friend has to reassure me all of the time that she won't leave me...that we'll be best friends forever. Brittany Nicole, thank you for putting up with that fear and insecurity; you're fantastic for going with the flow & reassuring me when you shouldn't have to.

Another one of my fears is not succeeding at life. I have made it my life goal to beat my brother at anything I can. For me, school and grades is a competition, but it's not for him. Even if I couldn't get better grades than him, then I would get my teachers to like me more than they liked him. It worked for most of my teachers. When I graduate, I'm scared that I won't be a good teacher. It's my dream to be the teacher who makes her students believe in their futures...that they are worth it to go to college and follow their hearts and to fulfill their dreams. But what if I fail? I want to be a good teacher; I want to show my future students the passion that a person can have for their job. I want to make them believe in the BEAUTY of their dreams.

One fear that I still strongly hold is the fear of falling in love. Love is scary. It's easy to make the wrong decision on the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's easy to feel like you're in love with that person, so you think that they're the one for you. It's easy to let love go because you're scared or angry or hurt. There are so many variables in love, and nothing is guaranteed. I think that I've walked through this fear of love by liking people that I know I have no chance at being with...that way, I don't get hurt.

I want to be fearless. But the only way I can do that is by following God's will for my life and by walking through life with Jesus by my side. However, if I want either one of those to happen, then I need to figure out where on the road I ditched Him. It's been awhile since I've gone to chapel or church, and have REALLY wanted to be there. I choose to sleep in instead of going to church. And I've let Jesus just stand there where I left Him because I didn't feel like putting in the work in making the relationship work...I didn't feel like living life God's way because I'm stubborn. It's my way or the highway. But I don't want to be scared of walking with Jesus...even when He wants me to do things that I don't want to do because they're scary or hard.

Taylor Swift, my, hands-down, favorite singer, said this about being fearless:
"To me, “fearless” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s fearless to stop believing them. It’s fearless to say “you’re not sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless.Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless."

It's okay to be scared...it's how you get through these fears that makes you strong. I don't want my fears to hold me back--I want to face them head on. So come on fears--bring it. I'll take you and I'll win.