Thankful

So, this week has not been a super fun one to say the least. On Monday night, I got a phone call from my step-mom, which was super weird considering she was in her bedroom & I was in the living room. She told me she was super freezing and asked if I would come check on her but to not be scared, so I went to go help her. I understood immediately why she told me to be scared--she was shaking on the bed from what she thought was just from being super cold. I left the room to heat up her heating pad like she asked me to do & I called my dad...I described her shaking to him that it looked like she was having a seizure. It was one of the scariest moments of my life (next to my kidney stone, spraining my ankle, and some of Kayla's anxiety attacks). After heating up the heating pad, I went back in her room, but she told me that she was no longer cold, however, she was still shaking on the bed like crazy. My dad called me to ask how she was, and he told me to wake up Patrick because we were probably going to have to take her to the hospital. She said it felt like she couldn't breathe, but when she sat up, she could breathe with no problem, so Patrick and I were both thinking that maybe it was just a really bad anxiety attack but the shaking scared me. She was also not making any sense--we could understand every word she said perfectly, however, she was not speaking them in order or in a way that either one of us could make sense out of. We ended up taking her to the hospital. On the way there, she CLUNG to me, like a sick little kid clings to their mommy. She told me later that she did it because she was scared and needed to feel that security of being held. Luckily, since my dad is working nights, he was able to beat us to the hospital, so he was there waiting when we arrived. Patrick went back home, but I stayed to help answer questions and to make sure she was okay. She was admitted to the hospital around 6 that morning--a little over 5 hours after we got there. The doctors were saying that maybe it was a stroke, but after she had another episode of whatever it was in the hospital, the doctors changed their minds. They let her leave the hospital without a diagnosis, so please, continue to pray for her.

Throughout all of that, I am so thankful for all of the people that God has placed in my life. Brittany was texting me for most of the time while I was at the hospital. I texted some people from my school to let them know what was going on. One of my bosses called me to see how she was doing, the school nurse (who I didn't even tell) called this morning to see how she was doing, Kyle was willing to come up to the hospital when he got home from vacation if she was still in the hospital (praise the Lord, she wasn't!), and several other staff members let me know that they were praying. Along with everyone from my school, my youth pastor texted me a prayer, even though he was on his way to Cambodia! And my mom was also amazing--she took me to buy my dad dinner & go to the hospital to give it to him, even though her & Brenda do not always get along. What a wonderful momma I have! :) Before this I did not realize how many wonderful people God has placed in my life, and I am thankful for each and every one of them, even though I often take them all for granted!

My God

Today in church, Jeff quoted this Bible verse before starting into a song, and it really got to me.

It says: "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

After he said this verse, we sang this song talking about how God is enough, and while our flesh may fail us and while we may go off of our path, He's still strong and He'll help us get through it. After a little over a year of not listening to God and not walking my path, I'm re-finding Him and re-connecting with Him. And this verse and that song just really connected with me.

I don't know the name of the song, but there's another song that really meant a lot to me and pulled on my heart strings the last time Jeff led worship when I was there. It's by Chris Tomlin and it's called "Our God." Here's the video:



If God is for me, then what can stop me? And if God is with me, then what can stand against me? Satan is teh only one who can attempt to break through what God is doing, but my God is so much stronger than that. And when I run dry, and when my flesh can't take the fight anymore, then my God can fight for me, my God can give me what I need to finish the fight. My God will never leave me. How could anyone not to love my God? He planned my past, He has a plan for right now, and He knows my future, and my God will never forsake me. Never. Ever.

My Flaws

Have you ever wondered what people think about you? I think about it quite often. Throughout the years, I have had people tell me all sorts of things that they think about me.

I'll list them for you: selfish, self-centered, drama queen, obnoxious, jealous, manipulative, so on & so forth. Since my senior year of high school, Satan has been telling me all of these things through other people, so that I focus on the bad things about myself. Alana didn't talk to me for months because I called excited about prom/graduation/18th birthday that I forgot to ask how her life was (all I care about is me); my brother can't stand me because I'm self-centered, a spoiled brat who gets everything her way, my religious & political views are naive and based off of my parents, and I can't realize how selfish I am--EVERYTHING that comes out of my mouth is about me; Kyle pointed out that I'm selfish and a drama queen that causes people to not want to be around me; April and Albert couldn't stand my drama and the fact that I got so close to Brittany.

Obviously, you get the point. Besides Brittany pounding into my brain & heart the good things about me, I cannot tell you the last time I heard something POSITIVE about myself from a friend or family member, except for my grades and how responsible I am for knowing what I want to do. But I'm sorry, those don't make me feel good about myself. I know I'm shy...I don't need you to tell me that. Brittany is the only one who tells me on a constant basis the good things about me, and I take her for granted more than I mean to. She's definitely my rock.

I hadn't realized how much negativity had surrounded me and how I view myself as a person until talking to my best friend on skype tonight. Brandon told me, completely out of the blue, that he thought I would be a good teacher just through seeing me in a government class. When I told Brittany that, she continued it and told me some of the reasons she agrees with them. And they told me a few good things about me. I didn't want to believe them at first because no one compliments me like that--all I get is stuff about being responsible with school because I can get on the Dean's List or the President's List. Woo-hoo...how about you tell me something else? Something good about my personality.

I don't want to think about what people think of me because it's always bad. You don't need to point out the bad--I know the bad. I know my flaws--better than anyone else. Because they are MY flaws.

T-Swift says it best, like always...part of her lyrics to "Mean":
You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me,
You, have knocked me off my feet again,
Got me feeling like I’m nothing.
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I’m wounded.
You, pickin’ on the weaker man.

Well you can take me down,
With just one single blow.
But you don’t know, what you don’t know,

Someday, I’ll be living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides,
And your walk by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again,
As if I don’t already see them.
I walk with my head down,
Trying to block you out cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again.

I bet you got pushed around,
Somebody made you cold,
But the cycle ends right now,
You can’t lead me down that road,
You don’t know, what you don’t know

Fearless

I have let fear guide me through life, and I did not realize how much fear drives my life until recently.

Over the past few years, I have alienated friends through fear that they would leave me, and the end result was me pushing them away before they could leave me. But who knows? Maybe they would not have left if I would not have pushed them away. My best friend has to reassure me all of the time that she won't leave me...that we'll be best friends forever. Brittany Nicole, thank you for putting up with that fear and insecurity; you're fantastic for going with the flow & reassuring me when you shouldn't have to.

Another one of my fears is not succeeding at life. I have made it my life goal to beat my brother at anything I can. For me, school and grades is a competition, but it's not for him. Even if I couldn't get better grades than him, then I would get my teachers to like me more than they liked him. It worked for most of my teachers. When I graduate, I'm scared that I won't be a good teacher. It's my dream to be the teacher who makes her students believe in their futures...that they are worth it to go to college and follow their hearts and to fulfill their dreams. But what if I fail? I want to be a good teacher; I want to show my future students the passion that a person can have for their job. I want to make them believe in the BEAUTY of their dreams.

One fear that I still strongly hold is the fear of falling in love. Love is scary. It's easy to make the wrong decision on the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's easy to feel like you're in love with that person, so you think that they're the one for you. It's easy to let love go because you're scared or angry or hurt. There are so many variables in love, and nothing is guaranteed. I think that I've walked through this fear of love by liking people that I know I have no chance at being with...that way, I don't get hurt.

I want to be fearless. But the only way I can do that is by following God's will for my life and by walking through life with Jesus by my side. However, if I want either one of those to happen, then I need to figure out where on the road I ditched Him. It's been awhile since I've gone to chapel or church, and have REALLY wanted to be there. I choose to sleep in instead of going to church. And I've let Jesus just stand there where I left Him because I didn't feel like putting in the work in making the relationship work...I didn't feel like living life God's way because I'm stubborn. It's my way or the highway. But I don't want to be scared of walking with Jesus...even when He wants me to do things that I don't want to do because they're scary or hard.

Taylor Swift, my, hands-down, favorite singer, said this about being fearless:
"To me, “fearless” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s fearless to stop believing them. It’s fearless to say “you’re not sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless.Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless."

It's okay to be scared...it's how you get through these fears that makes you strong. I don't want my fears to hold me back--I want to face them head on. So come on fears--bring it. I'll take you and I'll win.

I'm Scared.

Yesterday I had to go to the doctor for my one-year check up to see how I was doing on my birth control pills (I'm on bc for my bad cramps). Well, my day started out AWFUL. I had a headache, and could not figure out where my mom keeps the tylenol, so I was so grumpy! I got in my car, turned it on, backed up, & started to drive. My car was making this high pitched squealing noise and my steering wheel didn't want to turn. The noise finally stops, but now my battery light is on. Turns out, my belt broke off, causing my battery to go low and my power steering to go out. It was awful. So my mom had to come pick me up to take me instead of just meeting me there. (Yes, I am 20 and still need my mommy to go to the doctor with me.) We got there minutes before my appointment time, and then had to sit in the waiting room for more than 30 minutes before I was taken back to one of the exam rooms. The nurse took my blood pressure, and it was extremely high (hmm, I wonder why?!). Because of that, tomorrow morning, I have to go back for tests. It seems that birth control can make your blood pressure rise, and if you have high blood pressure, then that's bad. Obviously. Well, I'm going back to have my blood pressure re-taken and to have my cholesterol levels tested because if those are high, then they need to switch what birth control I'm on. In order to test my cholesterol, they have to stick a needle in me. I am HIGHLY scared of needles...have been since high school. They make me dizzy, they make me cry, and they hurt me. I am scared out of my mind and that's not going to make my blood pressure levels any lower. Hopefully I can convince them to take my blood pressure AFTER the needle punctures my skin.

I'm scared. And I know that they are going to change my birth control for several reasons: I've gained a good amount of weight on this one, my blood pressure is SUPER high, & my cholesterol may also be high. Oh Jesus, be with me tomorrow.

What to do? What to do?

For me, Christmas break starts around 9am on Thursday morning. This will be my third month-long break as a college student. The past two breaks, I have worked at Play & Learn Preschool where I worked my senior year of high school. This past summer was the only break that I have not worked at Play & Learn because my boss could not afford to have me work full time, which is what I needed at the time. The process of letting me know this was long & complicated & frustrating. I found the job that I currently have, working in the Registrar's Office at my school. Now, that job--I love. My boss, Cindy, is absolutely fantastic--she is SOOO NICE! :) And her personality matches mine, and she's good to work for. However, since Christmas break is a month long, i have been trying to figure out whether to work or whether to just take the month off because the Good Lord knows I need it. So, my practical side, knowing that me having a job would be a good thing for me, decided to contact my former boss at P&L to ask about working there for the month-long break. Two and a half weeks later, I have not heard anything from her, so I'm not sure whether I am or not. Now, I've been living off of babysitting paychecks this whole semester, and I'm fairly certain that I can do it again next semester if need be. When I talked to my dad tonight, he told me that I need to try to contact her again, but I absolutely do NOT want to. I want to take the break off and relax before I start my 17-hour semester in January. What to do? What to do? I don't know. I guess I'll just attempt to contact my former boss, at a place that drains all of my joy, and try to work a month to make some extra money.

Oh, the joys of being a poor college student. :(

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

Yesterday, I went to Wal-Mart to pick up my "period pills" as Brittany's dad calls them. There were some problems with them because the computer was messing my insurance up. But this made me so angry because I had this exact same problem not even 4 weeks ago. How frustrating is it to have the same problem 2 months in a row for a simple pack of 28-pills so that my period doesn't kill me? It is very frustrating to be honest. It's things like this that make me realize that I don't want to grow up, but I do. I'm torn. Because I am so ready to grow up, but at the same time, if growing up means having to put up with crappy pharmacy stuff every time I go to pick up a prescription, then count me out.

There's a Taylor Swift song called "Never Grow Up" that she wrote after moving out of her house, and while this is my least favorite song on her new CD, I feel like I can really relate to it right now. The last half of the song's lyrics are this:

"Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up."

I am currently more than halfway through college. In one week, I will have 5 semesters under my belt and only 4 more to go. WHAT?! When did this happen? When did I get old enough to be done with college? In less than 6 months, I'll be 21, and I'm at the point where I want to be an adult, but...I don't. Elementary school, middle school, and high school were so simple. College is not. I have to grow up here. I have to become an adult here. I have to, but I don't want to.

Coming Home

I'm at a loss for words, but I feel a need to write. I'm home for Thanksgiving break right now, and sadly, being home is weird. I love being able to spend the time with my family because I don't get to see them very often. However, I don't know where I fit in here anymore...I feel like I don't have a place. I don't get to come home very often...I'm definitely the stereotypical broke college student. This is only the second time I've been home for more than a few hours all semester, and when I do come home for more than a few hours, I have to split the time between parents. When I'm here at my dad's, I definitely feel like I no longer fit in. They all live here, together, and live their lives without me here. I know that I have to adjust to the changes they've made without me here, but this is one thing all parents with kids in college need to know: when we come home, we need to feel like we're at home. My bed has been converted to Kayla's personal closet, so just about every single time I come home, her clothes are all over it. I came home today, and since she knew I was coming soon, she cleaned all of her clothes off, but I still had papers of hers all over my bed. My bed isn't even my bed. Please leave something for me that doesn't change! You change, the way you live changes, I change, so it's hard for all of us to be together and not butt heads, but leave something here for me that doesn't change! My bed should not be touched while I'm gone unless it's to clean my sheets because they're dusty before I come home. It just makes me sad thinking of how much everything has changed in the threeish years that I've been gone. I hope this doesn't sound angry or bitter because it's not...it's more me wishing that when I came home, I didn't feel uncomfortable in my own house.

The one thing that's really funny about being home is that they expect me to adapt to all of the changes they've made at the drop of a hat, but it's not just a one way street because I expect them to adapt to the personal changes inside of me that they're not used to. I am growing up. I'm not their baby anymore. I turn 21 at the end of the school year, I'm halfway through college, and I haven't lived with them for more than a month for a year and a half. However, despite the independence I'm gaining and the adult I'm becoming, I still need my parents, I still the home I can come to to get away, and I still need the support that they give. Just because I know what I want and I'm going after those dreams doesn't mean that you don't need to worry about me...that doesn't mean you don't need to call or come surprise me at school. I still need that. Random phone calls and random visits are always amazing...or even a card/letter/package in the mail. I still need my family.

I hope that coming home for Christmas is less weird...it's always good to come home and be able to relax before attacking the pile of homework that made it's way home with me.

<3 Always.